General Chatter

[Sentimental Gentleman]

Lately I find myself unenthusiastic about life and the world around me. Fed up with most of the people around me, irritated with repetition. Resenting DeviantArt for how dull it feels that so many of my friends are being distant and depressive, or just don't seem to try and interact with me. Hating myself for impulsivity and lack of self control when my extreme emotions get the best of me and how I behave when they do. Hating my OCD. Detesting the feeling of never being good enough in most of what I do.

Very little seems to bring genuine enjoyment out of me. There's Nightmare, obviously, fortunately I'm not having a lapse in faith here. My writings, movies, music...

My apologies for coming back so late. This is all some very serious stuff you bring up. Like you say, issues like these aren't simple, and I know that what I have to say might not count for much, but I think it's better than saying nothing at all, so I'll see if I can't offer up my own humble sympathy for and perspective on what has been troubling you.

First of all, it is good that Nightmare, writing, movies, and music are all still bringing you joy. I'm sure you can let them be your refuge in a trying time like this. Don't let yourself give up on these pleasures just because there is pain in other aspects of your life.

If you are feeling unenthusiastic about life, irritated with the routine, and fed up with people, then perhaps it would behoove you to take a step back and take some time where you can put yourself first. It sounds like you might be exhausted from laboring for the sake of others; it's a common malady of the tender-hearted that it becomes difficult to see our own needs for what they are when we are so busy trying to meet the needs of others. Ask yourself what it truly is you want; think clearly and honesty about what it is that makes you enthusiastic and where it might be in this life. And then don't be afraid to take steps to get it; you deserve to be taken care of just as much as anyone else.

Hating OCD is something I can relate to as a fellow sufferer from that disorder. Have you taken steps to work against it? It can be really tough to follow through on them, but cognitive behavioral therapy as well as exposure and response prevention have worked wonders for making my OCD manageable. There are plenty of resources on both of those therapeutic methods; if you want a better handle on your OCD, I would recommend looking into them. It wouldn't hurt to look into medication, either, if you can.

On DeviantArt, it's probably wise to keep in mind that it's not an entity in its own right but a collection of individuals all enmeshed in their own lives full of problems and triumphs. Just because it's been a communicative dry spell doesn't mean people have forgotten about you or that they don't care about you; it simply means that they, too, have their own lives with unique issues and unique events that take up their time. Be patient, and don't be afraid to reach out to people on your own if you aren't doing that already.

As for all the reasons you say you hate yourself...those can be the hardest feelings of all to shake. If we think we don't measure up to what the world expects of us, it becomes easy to get down on ourselves. But there is no expectation; there is only our own uniqueness, and that is something that should be cherished. My mother always said that it didn't matter to her how well I did in school or whether I was "talented" at anything or not; the first and foremost thing is to do one's best to be a good person. Nobody deserves hatred, especially not ourselves. It's clear that you have a sympathetic mind and that you have a willingness to be lenient towards others. You deserve no less from yourself. No matter what you may think, you are a person who is worthy of as much respect as everyone else, and you should treat yourself as such.

Thank you for having the courage to share your troubles here. I know it isn't always easy to talk about what's bothering us deep down. I hope that my words help, even if only a little. You're a great guy, Kaltes-Herzelied, and I'm sure Nightmare would say the same. Even if the going gets tough, I know you have the strength to go on. Let her be your bedrock and I'm sure you can get past even a painful time like this.