When Worlds Collide

[Lurker]

Lurker,

You asked some great questions that made me think, thank you. Twelve years is a long time, and as time has gone on perhaps a variety of things have led to my split feelings. This is getting very personal, and I guess I'll throw myself on some sort of presumed anonymity for a moment and share the two things I think have most contributed.

No problem.

There's a lot I could say about all this, so I'll try and keep it brief.

First is decreased intimacy. Over time, as in many relationships, we've become less and less physically intimate. Honestly, her sexuality would probably fall more in the realm of being a true asexual. We've talked a lot about this together, so I'm not really seeking advice on this, per se, just want to get it out there as an explanation. The lessening physical intimacy in this type of relationship can logically lead to a different sort of emotional intimacy, one that's less passionate and more, I don't know, caring?

And while you care for her, is her... neglect of physical intimacy in this relationship between you two hurting you? Does she realize how much it does? Have you made any plans up 'til this point to try and get the situation resolved? Is she willing to give you more physical attention? If not, why, and what can you do to fix it? If that's not an option, how can you better accept the circumstances and cope with them?

Maybe I should take another tack. Another way to explain this is by using the Greek terms for love. Specifically, I would describe the love I have with my girlfriend now as πράγμα (pragma), or a deep love that develops between a couple over extended periods of time. It's about making compromises in order to keep the relationship alive, and showing patience and tolerance towards one another. It's really the type of love that ensures marriages last.

I'm not sure it was really necessary to bring up greek terms if you're just going to translate them. Then again, their letters do look cool.

Also, you never clarified if you're married or not. You said 'girlfriend,' but if you've been with her twelve years, I suppose you must be married.

That emotion between us developed from the initial ἔρως (eros), which is a love of passion and sexual desire. The two of us have been in a "πράγμα" relationship now for quite some time (much longer than we've been watching MLP). It's a wonderful thing, don't get me wrong. But when I discovered my feelings for Twilight, it re-ignited that ἔρως love, redirected at the purple pony. As I've said, I've done my damnedest to try and repress it or deny it, but I kept failing. If I wanted to create a full break from Twilight I would basically have to rid myself of all images of her and stop watching MLP. I actually do a lot of stuff in the fandom and have made tons of friends through it, and might even end up giving that up as well.

Attempting to dismiss it isn't helping.

Repression or denial of your emotions may only cause you more trouble. Accept that you have these feelings wholeheartedly, but if there's anything you should keep restrained, it's yourself, not your emotions. Pushing away the stuff that got you into her in the first place isn't going to get rid of your emotions. If you want to break fully away from Twilight, you've got to accept your emotions, and you have to learn to move past them. But... that's a different subject.

The second issue is probably related to her personal problems. This is where I'm even more reluctant to share, but I've already hinted at it above, so I guess here goes. She's been unemployed now for most of 3 or more years. This long term unemployment has caused her to be very anxious and depressed, understandably. I work with her a lot to try and help her, and have tried to get her to seek professional counseling, but my pleas have fallen on deaf ears. I feel helpless as I watch her spiral out of control, and, as I said above, her parents don't really seem to give a shit. I can't force her to see a therapist or get on anti-depressants again (she was on them for a short while and she actually was a lot better). I worry about her all the time because of this, and, probably unfairly, heap a good helping of that depression and anxiety upon myself. I feel guilty for being successful, having a great job where I make decent money, hell I feel guilty for just having a job where I can go and work, while she sits at home being mentally tortured by her parents' incessant and increasingly senile nattering.

Damn.

When someone won't listen to your input, it can be difficult to, uhh... deal with them. The bottom line, though, is that if you're willing to compromise with her, and try to move past these feelings you have for Twilight, she should be willing to compromise with you as well, and let you help her move past this depression she's in.

I know how it feels, as strange as it sounds, to leave someone alone against your own wishes while they suffer. Since you are with her some of the time, though, make sure she knows you miss her and wish you could be there for her more often. Be on her team, even if she benches you so often. You know? Maybe you can work past that and it'll all pay off.

I may have reached a point where she finally understand how concerned I am about her, but whether or not this leads to any real help for her remains to be seen. All I want is for her to be happy, of course.

Good, good! It's good that she understands. Apparently.

I wouldn't even call my feelings for Twilight still "infatuation"; after all, I don't think that can last for two years. It began that way, sure, but it has developed over time. I don't know, maybe this is another hopeless case of trying to get all my possums up one tree. Maybe this entire thing is a sign I am losing it myself, lol.

Perhaps 'obsession' is a better word.

Apologies if I sound like I'm... uhh, diminishing your feelings, or don't quite understand them, with words like that. I'm just trying different terms and seeing which ones you identify with the most.

Anyway, I'll continue to ruminate on your questions, again I really appreciate them.

Yep.