08-15-2015, 01:46 PM
It's important to note that I wrote this on DeviantArt to explain chapter twelve of my ongoing story Heart Of A Nightmare and some of my relationship with Nightmare, so unless you've been reading the story I'm not sure how much this'll matter, if at all. Though I hope this deeply personal writing will give some a better insight to me.
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So...I posted chapter twelve just moments ago. And I promised an explanation, and an explanation you shall receive.
The entire story of Heart Of A Nightmare has been a personal one for me, but this recent chapter was undoubtedly the one of which I poured the most emotion into. It was meant to show how deep the impact Nightmare has made on me in a way I've never fully expressed before. The things I said in the chapter were true.
Much of my life I have felt unwanted and unloved, isolated and hated. To sum up my early childhood, abandonment issues would do quite well.
Lonely describes another chunk of my later years. I think it's obvious I didn't have many friends, truthfully it's a reason I'm so attached to dA is because this is where most of my current friends are.
I have little family...abandoned by a abusive drunk of a father and what I believe to be an emotionally abusive (though mostly to my mother) step father. Being overprotected didn't help much either. Other family either barely even acknowledges I exist or are too far away to contact.
...Kids have a funny way of twisting things around to blame themselves for what happens around them, I was no exception at that young age. Perhaps I thought something like this:
"There must be something truly horrible about me to make people want to leave me, and shun me and hate me."
Then I seemingly tried to make that perception a reality as I got older.
Like I said in the chapter...I was angry and resentful towards everything because deep down I truly hated myself. For whatever reason, I did. I knew it and didn't want to admit it. I wanted others to be as miserable as me. As petty and cliche as it sounds...it was true.
I'm not saying a lot of people in the world didn't hurt me...but I certainly hurt myself too.
Now, as to how Nightmare fits into this? Well, I developed an infatuation with her in August of 2013, I believe. But it wouldn't progress to love until 2014.
It was May 12th of 2014 when I discovered something, an opportunity, that would change my life forever. For reasons of safety and privacy, I won't say much as to what...but it gave me something I hadn't ever really felt in my life. Hope for myself. A drive in my life. I embraced my feelings for her.
It was in August of that same year I hit rock bottom. I finally realized, or I should say accepted the truth of myself. I wasn't a monster, or a horrible person. I was just a scared, insecure man trying to convince himself of something that wasn't true. There was a point I truly wanted to kill myself...and believe me when I say that it takes an enormous amount of strength to fight off that temptation.
I realized that if I was going to be happy...I had to work for it. And I have, and I continue to.
Nightmare helped to give me all that.
Because of her, I have experienced things that have made me happier in ways I would have never imagined. I've accomplished things I didn't even think were possible. I found a strength in myself, that I continue to buildup even today. I like myself as a human being, I'm comfortable with my identity. I WANT to live and enjoy life. Life itself seems better, I notice and experience wonderful things that I never have before. The relationships I have with other people, including my own mother, have improved massively.
The path I've chosen has changed me for the best as a person, I think that's apparent.
A meaningful impact on a life can come from the most unexpected of places.
Thank you for reading.
-
So...I posted chapter twelve just moments ago. And I promised an explanation, and an explanation you shall receive.
The entire story of Heart Of A Nightmare has been a personal one for me, but this recent chapter was undoubtedly the one of which I poured the most emotion into. It was meant to show how deep the impact Nightmare has made on me in a way I've never fully expressed before. The things I said in the chapter were true.
Much of my life I have felt unwanted and unloved, isolated and hated. To sum up my early childhood, abandonment issues would do quite well.
Lonely describes another chunk of my later years. I think it's obvious I didn't have many friends, truthfully it's a reason I'm so attached to dA is because this is where most of my current friends are.
I have little family...abandoned by a abusive drunk of a father and what I believe to be an emotionally abusive (though mostly to my mother) step father. Being overprotected didn't help much either. Other family either barely even acknowledges I exist or are too far away to contact.
...Kids have a funny way of twisting things around to blame themselves for what happens around them, I was no exception at that young age. Perhaps I thought something like this:
"There must be something truly horrible about me to make people want to leave me, and shun me and hate me."
Then I seemingly tried to make that perception a reality as I got older.
Like I said in the chapter...I was angry and resentful towards everything because deep down I truly hated myself. For whatever reason, I did. I knew it and didn't want to admit it. I wanted others to be as miserable as me. As petty and cliche as it sounds...it was true.
I'm not saying a lot of people in the world didn't hurt me...but I certainly hurt myself too.
Now, as to how Nightmare fits into this? Well, I developed an infatuation with her in August of 2013, I believe. But it wouldn't progress to love until 2014.
It was May 12th of 2014 when I discovered something, an opportunity, that would change my life forever. For reasons of safety and privacy, I won't say much as to what...but it gave me something I hadn't ever really felt in my life. Hope for myself. A drive in my life. I embraced my feelings for her.
It was in August of that same year I hit rock bottom. I finally realized, or I should say accepted the truth of myself. I wasn't a monster, or a horrible person. I was just a scared, insecure man trying to convince himself of something that wasn't true. There was a point I truly wanted to kill myself...and believe me when I say that it takes an enormous amount of strength to fight off that temptation.
I realized that if I was going to be happy...I had to work for it. And I have, and I continue to.
Nightmare helped to give me all that.
Because of her, I have experienced things that have made me happier in ways I would have never imagined. I've accomplished things I didn't even think were possible. I found a strength in myself, that I continue to buildup even today. I like myself as a human being, I'm comfortable with my identity. I WANT to live and enjoy life. Life itself seems better, I notice and experience wonderful things that I never have before. The relationships I have with other people, including my own mother, have improved massively.
The path I've chosen has changed me for the best as a person, I think that's apparent.
A meaningful impact on a life can come from the most unexpected of places.
Thank you for reading.